Quito in Keitho

......I stared at my boarding pass. It read Elite Access. Some crappy name the airline has come up with for coach. But no, I boarded and I was seated in first class next to a couple of Asian business men. I tell you rich folk know how to travel in comfort. I was only on the plane for 90 minutes and got a meal and a fancy beer. Pure luxury.........
........leaving Panama, or US foetus Panama was easy. It´s modern and American. Flying to Quito filled me with a new sense of adventure. Going into the unknown once again, having to meet new people and all that nonsense. This city is immense. It spreads out into green valleys surrounding the old and new town. Huge peaks rise all around it with eyecatching landmarks everywhere. Some of which are eyesores. The city is guarded by a statue of Mary which towers above the old town. This part is colonial and colourful. The new town is akin to Temple Bar and Soho. Built for tourists. Thankfully it has cool bars with good music. No more raggaton........
........La Mitad Del Mundo, the middle of the earth, not to be mistaken with Middle Earth is a delightful tourist trap. After an inexpensive trip on surprisingly clean plastic buses we arrived 1 km past our intended target. The Equator. A sweating beast of a driver grunted in the direction we should go. Accompanied by Julian in tattered shorts I made my way back, coming across the real equator, as located by GPS. Which is 240metres away from the monument. A guide brought us around an interesting exhibit. I saw water go straight down a swally hole, I shot poison darts, I was tempted to eat the Equadorian delicacy of Guinea pig. It was entertaining. But I still had a mission to go into the fake Equator site as dictated by a Frenchman. (Incidently from his calculations the metric system came into being.) Along a dusty building site (th entire town is one big dusty site with breeze blocks guiding the way) we came across a science museum. The friendly scientist gave us a talk and informed us the native Mayans had exactly marked the point of the Equator 1000years previously. They built a fort on top of a mountain to prove it. Yet this is not the discovery that is celebrated. They had built their monument and they needed the revenue so a tacky museum accompanies you as you descend stairs and come out dodging cameras as people get photos taken with legs in both hemispheres. It was tacky, but it needed to be done.
Not really entertaining I know, but it´s info none the less, fecking ingrates.
Check out Fr Trendy.
What do you think of the delicious pun in the title?

PANAMA´s locked

.....Bocas del Toro´s fire station rang to the sound of one banana, two banana three banana, 4 as locals sucked on beers at a Blue Moon party. Men wobbled up to the keyboard king swaying into stumbles, arms held aloft gently, wobbling on one leg before turning thumbs up towards their friends. I had arrived at the beginning of low season and the locals were getting absolutely destroyed. Further down the street a big truck played RAGGATON (jasper and ciaran, if you two guys know this music and like it, do not inflict it on anyone else, it´s pure evil) where the children of pissed men were not so innocently rampantly attacking anyone of the opposite sex. I wandered around through the carnage with Trevor and eyed the crowd with amusement and nerves. This was my introduction to Panama, which after 5 other countries looks the same as the rest has the most American influence. Pure sh..........
........Panama City is in stark contrast to the rest of the country. Its skyline stretches upwards in a most American way. It is the most modern of all the cities I´ve been to on this trip. Banks infest the city and the expat community gives it a cosmopolitan feel. It is in short a place awash with money, new buildings are growing at an incredible rate and local yacht clubs are full to the brim of rich folk. Only twenty minutes from here there is poverty but this bubble concels it...
.......the canal, a feat of human engineering is pretty much just a big canal. Its function is simple but it is hardly a tourist attraction unless you are an engineer. I am not. I appreciate its functionality but thats about it. Even so I went along to see this modern wonder and was immensely underwhelmed. There is a small visitors centre with the history of the canal. It was interesting but dull. Other people thought not and took photos of the explanations beneath pictures (now why the f...). But there is one thing about it thats cool. Its got some great locks, not unlike myself.........
LOST IN TRANSLATION
Juan : You know the camp guy at reception.
ME : I don´t think I´´ve met him.
Girl : Well, gay men have more female hormones than male so they could be considered women.
ME : Emmm, no I have not MET him.

Champions Man Utd, granted but what a lesson Milan gave them.
Adios.

Puerto Viejo has crabs

.......there I was minding my own business when this gringo type fecker comes walking straight towards me. I tried getting his attention by waving me big claw at him and nothing he kept coming. Then I tried running out of the way, but you know these damn legs of ours they´ll only carry us sideways and because I can´t see where I´m going I always fall down a hole. I mean you need eyes on top of your head. Thats why I got them. Then this guy, you know what he does he comes and kicks me in the knackers. And do you know what I did, I pinched him with me big claw.........
And that was the most exciting thing that happened to me in Puerto Viejo. This in no way relates to the people or town of Puerto Viejo being rubbish, it just means Montezuma had his revenge on my stomach.
.......cycling is great, yesterday I cycled for 4 hours covering a huge difference from the above mentioned town to Manzanilla. Ambling through dense jungle and across exotic rivers and past monkeys and blonde haired surfers and dreadlocked stoners and drop out 40 somethings from USA looking for a local girl to shag and past empty restaurants begging for high season to return......
......in Panama now, in BOcas Del Toro. I almost prayed as I crossed the bridge into Panama, mainly because it literally is full of big holes an Irishman could be swallyed by.
Costa Rica in one line. Full of package tourist and as an environmentalist I naturally don´t like packaging.
After Adios

Costa Mucho

....the literal translation for Costa Rica is the Rich Coast. I think this fact has gone to the heads of the tourist industry here. i spent 4 days in Monteverde and went on two trips, each costing around the $40 mark. My budget is $50. I thought it would be tours of the highest quality. But no, a natural history tour of 2 hours duration, where I found little out about natural history and hunted down the elusive quetzal bird for most of it. A shocking waist of money. The second tour was a canopy trek, see below. The price of things here is all due to American package tours. They come here with their dollars and grossly inflate the price of everything. And these are the arrogant Americans, the ones oblivious to what something should cost. They are rude and loud and irk all backpackers. The feckers. I feel Costa Rica will ultimately suffer when Honduras and Nicaragua get their industries in order........
.........a gale blew for most of the night, dissipating cloud from the cloud forest. I lay on my bed, slightly nervous because I booked a canopy trek that day. I thought there was no way it could go ahead with such wind. I was wrong. The van picked me up promptly and drove me the 1 hour drive to the trek. I am not an adrenalin junkie, so this activity is new to me. As the guide strapped me in I felt strangely serene. The first cable was an easy slide 8 metres above ground through densely packed forest. Then I came to the second, some 80 metres above ground and about 45 seconds duration. The camera man went first and got stuck in the middle. He struggle to get himself across. I went next, trying to remember the safety procedures, swimming in my head. ´Just lean back and brake at the end¨was the instruction. As I slid out 80 metres above terra firma the gale picked up and shook me from side to side, causing me to brake unnecessarily. But by sheer positive thinking I made it across, pumped full of adrenalin and screaming madly. ¨that was bleedin rapid.´¨ After 14 more such treks the longest and highest at 1 minute and 150 metres I was only fit for bed. I have the photo to prove it. It cost $6........
.......San Jose, capital, confusing mixmatch of modernity and earthquake ruins, brimming with gringoes in search of the easy life, of 6 foot tall prostitutes with blond hair and an adams apple. There ain´t much here, I leave tomorrow for Puerto Viejo.
Adios

A Friggin American / Lost in Costa Rica

.......San Juan Del Sur, a testament to roughshod planning is infested with Americans. The only place in Nicaragua where prices are in USD and local gringos complain about new developments that they have inadvertently caused. I stirred clear of their shops(second hand book for $17 anyone?) and restaurants and stayed with Martha. She is wonderful. And ate at comedors were the price of a meal costs less than a pint............
A Conversation
......Jo unsteadily asked for her shoe back. An American clad in a pink polo shirt and crowned with a mop of blonde surfer hair insisted on placing them back on her feet. Nick her boyfriend dismissed it as a drunken pass. Jo returned to Nick. The American Caleb came over and started a conversation revolving around Borat. Myself and Julian were present. It went a little like this.
Caleb : I know that Sasha Cohen is a Jewish faggott.
Jo : Is there anything wrong with being Jewish and gay?
Caleb : Look sweetheart, are you saying I`m an anti-semite faggot hater? I hate people who are anti anti semite. They disgust me. Its secular sweetheart. Do you guys understand secularism?
Blank looks.
Caleb : It`s satire darling, you understand satire? Irony? You guys gotta know what irony is? Jonathon Swift? Thats what Borat is.
Me: Nobody said you are an anti semite. Or a gay basher. You are taking it up wrong.
Caleb : Oh sorry I misunderstood. But nobody calls me an anti semite.
Nick : Whats your point?
Caleb : My FUCKING point is
Julian : Calm down man, its only banter.
Caleb : I´m sorry but nobody challenges me like this.......................................
And for the next hour we went around in circles. A testament to America.

COSTA RICA country #5 A journey.
Buses I thought would improve. They did. But the overcrowding did not. I thought because I purchased a ticket for Monteverde, I would be let off there. I was not. So after negotiating a return to the crossroads for Monteverde I found that no buses were going there. In pigeon Spanish I asked if there was a hotel near. There was not. Only in Monteverde. 35kms up a dirt road. I asked the local carpenter for help. A taxi would cost $50. OK I could handle that to get a bed. 40 minutes they said. 40 minutes later no taxi another phone call. 1 hour they said. The sun dipped reddening the ground. I talked football, women, politics. An hour later no taxi and it was dark. I phoned the hostel, $35 and one hour wait. Ok. Better. More half talking. An hour later no taxi, except for the original more expensive one. I let him go. Another phone call. No taxi. Then at 8.30(there for 4 hours so far) the taxi came. It took 2 hours to travel 35kms. Up and down dirt roads. Then the electricity failed and all went black.
In a great place.
After
Take care.

Finca Life

,,,....I sat down on a sunwarped garden chair outside a small comida on a dirt road. The road is threatened daily by shadows from two huge volcanoes, Volcan Madera and the perfect cone Volcan Cocepcion. Green flies formed funnels around my head and my ankles were slowly being colonised by ants of every description. Lazy flea infested dogs lay comatose around the table. I ordered my food, beans, rice, salad and recently killed chicken. (I heard it scream) Then I waited. My cohorts waited. The fleas, dogs and until then unseen pigs waited. For one hour we waited. We were the only ones there, but we waited. I passed the time trying to whipe the green fly from the face of the planet, but those buggers are determined. Then our food arrived, served with accompanying extra black flies. It was damn good. This was one of the better places.,,......
......Finca Zapolita, a eco friendly mecca if ever there was one. They don´t even believe in putting a dirt road up to their shacks. With only the above mentioned restaurant nearby I had to cook for myself for the first time in three whole months. EVERYTHING is grown, milked, blended, composted and recycled there. Which means the selection is limited. Very. I changed my diet from beans and rice to pasta and tomato sauce so fresh it was still warm. The best thing is the fresh bread and yoghurt. Everthing else is bland. Yet sleeping in a hammock did teach me those things aren´t as comfortable as the look. Plus you have the added bonus of being attacked by huge insects who seem to be very found of me,
Good bye
Happy Birthday to the Godson Connall. , and the brudder George.

Grand Granada

......round here the footpaths look like chess boards, checkered either red and black or black and white, round here the heat makes it impossible to do anything strenuous, even breathing creates sweat, round here gringoes have infested all parts, creating another expensive bubble in a third world country, round here the bright coloured colonial buildings radiate at sunset........
Centro Touristico en Granada.
down the promenade towards Lago De Nicaragua, past a yellow cathedral and ,multicoloured buildings I found myself in the Centro Touristico. The pricely sum for entrance was 25 cents. Its hard to be pissed off about 25 cents but this place is rubbish. It consists of a mock castle entrance which resembles something from the middle ages in Europe. The road (the best bit of el centro) is lined with what looks like Butlins idea to a good time town. The buildings are warehouses with hundreds of seats in them and they seem to be unfinished. The most interesting thing was meeting Romano, who described how Filibuster William Walker tried to claim central and South America for the USA. See note below on this true American nut job.
I must go to sweat all my weight away, but hell at least the food is better here.